A year of thoughts... (about life, being me, and totally freaking out)

holachick @ 2007-12-21T22:29:00

2007-12-22T03:33:10Z

thought id add an entry since i havent in a while...and as usual i dont really know how i feel about anything. College is so close and so scary and getting in to VT thoroughly freaks me out. and of course A is STILL screwing with my head. even when im not thinking about the whole thing so much it sneaks up on me in my dreams, which just makes me more angry at myself, and then the whole thing with D and J i really thought was over this time, which i guess was just naive of me. it reallys sucks bc i know J is an ass hole and is so selfish and idk i wish D could look past what sounds like a good temporary fix for her pain and just try and work past it, soemtimes i think maybe shes just not strong enough, she just doesnt want to try anymore. which really sucks bc she deserves so much more. and as usual i just really want to meet someone and be happy. and its just infuriating that ppl get that who dont deserve it. i really think i well, dont deserve it, but if it happeend id be so excited and everything and idk it just sounds so nice and i feel so stupid for expiriencing nothing and im almost 18 and i just feel like an idiot and god i just want to graudate and move on and everything is just so overwhelming alot of the time and i dont even know what to say or do, its just like gaaah. i dont even know....

i guess thats all for now

holachick @ 2007-11-20T20:25:00

2007-11-21T01:27:58Z

Well lets see where I am right now...

Thanksgiving is approaching, which has to be one of the best holidays...im obsessed with food so what could be better? I am finishing up my college essays. Just one more paragraph for Tech. Ah! I cant believe it. I really hope i go to tech it just seemed to fit, but for now im just going to agonize about whether or not im good enough to be accepted...egh. Hm...A still on the mind...ive given up hope on that ending soon, i just cant shake it. I find it thoroughly pathetic but then my mind just wont let me forget about it all. I guess thats for the best, its sth good to remember, knowing what i deserve and what i most certainly dont deserve. Im so ready to graduate, i seriously cant stand the people at school anymore. Egh. Well i thought i might have a bit more to say but it turns out i dont so...

later

holachick @ 2007-10-23T23:19:00

2007-10-24T03:21:10Z

Why didnt he like me?

or and more importantly....

why am i still hung up on this?

why do i care????????

people and decisions...oh how they suck

2007-10-03T01:13:42Z

the whole ordeal with A has really been getting to me lately. I know it happened almost over two weeks ago but i still cant help but keep thinking about it, it bugs me so freakin much. It was only the 2nd date of my entire life and i get stood up...like really what kind of person does that. What an ass hole. Ugh. I dont know why its been on my mind so much, i guess bc no matter how much u want something u cant force it and u cant expect all people to treat u the way u treat them. I just really dont get it, it eats away at me alot of the time. I dont even know how to handle it. Its like here was this guy i hardly even knew and he was able to make me feel soo bad. Ugh andthen lie about his reasons when i ddint even ask for an explination. It just sucks so bad. And then the whole college thing is so stressful. Tech seems like a good choice when ireally think about it, but then i think about leaving B and not being able to hang out with him or talk to him like we've been planning since like this summer bc it would be so much fun, but VCU just doesnt seem like the place for me, or maybe im just letting D influence me..i dont know, i mean it seems logical to go to tech since ive worked so hard over the past years. But i really feel awful thinking about not seeing B for such a long time, i guess our friendship hasj ust grown.... oh i dont know. This shi is stressfull and i so just dont want to deal... like thats possible.

OUT.

holachick @ 2007-09-04T20:36:00

2007-09-05T00:39:41Z

So first day of senior year today...I dont think its really even hit me yet that this is going to be my FINAL year of highschool. Its so exciting and so scary at the same time...and i just dont know what to think yet. My classes are pretty good over all. I have friends in all of them and nothing is too bad. Hm well aside from that what else has been going on? Lets see... A finally texted me on saturday. I finalyl felt like i was just completely over it and then that happened. I mean our date was 2 weeks ago...its pretty late. But IDK i feel stupid bc its not like anything is really going on. But I am glad he finally communicated with me...i mean geez. And from what i hear from ppl he seems to like me, but idk Its like they say- actions speak louder than words ya know? IDK. Well i can tell this year is going to be just so stressful. Ive pulled all the scholarship I want to do, and looking at them all is just a bit overwhelming. I guess I just need to pace myself and take one at a time. But still. Its insane. Well I guess thats all for now. My hand is cramping.

Later.

holachick @ 2007-08-28T22:23:00

2007-08-29T02:26:47Z

So the whole thing with A is def not going to work out. He didnt call...which would have been nice i gotta say, but i guess that ship has sailed. In other things im really glad ive gotten to know R shes super nice and funny and refreshing compared to my other rediculous friends. I also went up to school today and got my schedule. Which gotta say, just being in that place thoroughly depresses me. Not to mention my sched. was messed up and i have to call my councelor tomorrow to fix it (joy). And me and D have no classes together...wonderful. But football games should be a blast and if i can just get over hating everyone (yea right) then maybe my senior year wont be SO terrible... Sigh. I wish.

Firsts

2007-08-21T21:55:51Z

So i had my very first date EVER. I dont think id ever been so nervous, but once it got going i wasnt so bad. Just all week it was just like this sick feeling. Ah. He had to come get me and meet my parents which god was awful. It didnt go to well either. Car ride there was just all on me. I had to start all the conversations...and at dinner B and R just really were no help. Im never doubling with those idiots again. And at R's house. Gosh. They just made it super awkward. But R says A was nervous which i completely understand and relate to. But i mean w/e. He was supposed to call yesterday and didnt, but man im so not trying to stress over this shi. Im just so against ppl acting like this and here i am trying to not think about it and its consuming my entire mind. Gah. And my mother is just way to freakin into in. God its not like anything has happened so stop asking me about it. If i wanted to tell u i would. Mother f*r. Now im just stressing. I need to not care. I want to not care. I shouldnt care. Gah. But i Do.

holachick @ 2007-08-17T00:18:00

2007-08-17T04:22:33Z

so double dat on sun with A. I dont think ive ever been so nervous and excited in my life. My stomach has been a mess this entire week. I cant even imagine what its going to be like trying to force mexican down at dinner. aaahh. But man oh man am i excited. I just hope everything goes well and its good and not awkward and flowy conversation and no awkward silences like i tend to create bc im just stupid like that. I hope i like him and he likes me and gaaah. I hate having this nervous feeling that i cant control and that i want to control so badly bc it feels completely insane. Especially when im so nervous over someone i hardly know and may very well possibly not even be interested in. But i guess its just the possibility of all this and all that could come out of it and all that iwant to come out of it and all this anticipation and R, B, and D all being completely pysched for me except that there thinking about this and the future and what it could mean and god that is just not helping one bit. It just makes me even more nervous and everything. I just wish i could be a normal person and be a little excited and not his emotional wreck that ive been over...SOMEONE I DONT KNOW. I mean geez am i serioulsy that nervous over someone i dont even know? It just seems utterly rediculous to me. But gaah. This week has gone by fairly quickly which is pretty good. But im still dreading the whole parents thing. I know w/o a doubt that will definetly be completely and totally awkward. Gosh. Gosh. Gosh. Hopefully thats the only part that will be. Hm. Sigh.

Im out.

holachick @ 2007-08-09T02:09:00

2007-08-09T06:14:21Z

I dont think ive ever felt this way. I feel completely alone for really no reason at all. I want to find someone and love someone and it sucks to be alone. I dont understand D who alows J to be a complete a hole. I dont understand any of it and im the logical one i know what should be done and yet, im not able to even freakin expirience it yet. It sucks so freakin bad. I dont think ive ever wanted it this much and it just completely sucks i dont even know what to do or how to stop feeling like this or anything and then theres all these people having sex and im just sitting here knowing if i were in there shoes i wouldnt and i not understanding why they deserve this and they get this extra happiness when i dont. Its not fair i freakin hate it. Why cant i expirience this thing that i want so badly yet i know not to throw myself at someone bc i know i want it to be for real and to be something ill remember and i just wish i didnt want it to badly and then get denied it a million times. eghhhhh

holachick @ 2007-07-31T22:44:00

2007-08-01T02:47:00Z

Hung out with R today. I thought it was going to be TOTALLY awkward considering we've never really hung out or talked THAT much, but now im glad she invited me to hang out bc it was cool. Shes a wierdo and a lot of fun so it was all good. We didnt do much but i did get my hair dye! WOO, i hope it turns out good like i hoped. umm..what else? finished bloom today. and you,maybe the other day. Both were really good, yet too short bc i read each in less than 24 hours. They were super good though. I knew they would be. Uh..nothing really planned for tomorrow, probably another lazy day.

Laterr

wierdness

2007-07-31T02:38:40Z

I had one of those moments today. One of those moments where i know ive been stressed over certain things lately and then in that one instant i feel this calm, this feeling, its like "hey everything is going to be fine" and just for a moment i believe it and love it, but then just like that its gone. I really wish i had that feeling all the time, because when its not there i feel so stressed, so convinced everything is going wrong. But in that moment its like serene or something. Just calm and soothing, like i wish it could always be. It happens alot. Well not everyday but atleast one a month or something. It sucks it only lasts for a moment or so, but atleast i have that one moment, that one second to take it in, to feel it, to know for just that instant that everything is okay.

laterr

Vacation from hell

2007-07-28T22:46:15Z

So vacation over the past week, which i must say, was pretty lame overall. Maybe because of the fact that im getting older now and feel bored when theres nothing to do but sit around the rented house and watch tv on unfamiliar channels. Oh well. It was fun to spend time with the fame, but as usual, many things went array.
1) the first two days the beach was "no swimming" for reasons i have yet to understand
2) My bathing suit miraculously formed small black stains on the bottoms (80 dollars gone to waste)
3) I am now prone to sunburn
4) ^ I am now prone to peeling/itching from sunburn
5) My ears began to ooze wierd dark brown things...which my mom insists is the salt water "cleaning them out"...I beg to differ...its just WIERD/GROSS/SCARY
6) The car caught fire on the way home or well...the wires from the fule pump shorted out and it began to smoke (caught fire sounds better tho, no?)
7) Thus we were stuck on the side of the rode for 30 minutes until we fixed it (temporarily)
8) Car smoked again...leaving us stranded at a gas station for 2 hours until a family friend came with there triple A thing
9) Traffic all the way home

It sure does sound awful when put that way...but surprisingly it wasnt the worst vaca ever...

good things that happened?

uhh best thing is that today K came to the house...pathetic that i have these feelings that are so entirely misplaced i cant even begin to explain... hmmm im SO ready for a nice hot shower...

Laterr

holachick @ 2007-07-10T22:17:00

2007-07-11T02:23:42Z

so not much has gone on lately. work all weekend which was tiring and boring as usual. Sunday night G im'd me and we had a pretty sweet conversation, one of the best we've ever had. Which is good, always nice to make a good friend and try to get closer, but who knows where that will go. Its just wierd with him. I had work tonight which was quite pointless, I hate working week days, good thing i never do. Went shopping and got my HC dress! Its so cute too, and it was soo easy to find...im just waiting for it to wrip or be eaten by my dog or something...its just too good to be true. And I also got 3 shirts (which I shouldnt have...but I cant resist and i NEVER find stuff) one from AE which was only 8 bucks SWEET and 2 from abercrombie which were more than 8 bucks, but hey they were cute and i rarely find things i like so it was ulitmately worth it. What else? D and J broke up again, but only for like 7 hours until they got back together..so rediculous I swear. Sometimes I dont understand D at all, but I guess love can make u do wierd things. Now im just kind of hoping and waiting for G to get online, which seems midly pathetic but idk...

Later

work

2007-07-07T00:57:31Z

work was lame. as per usual. only thing that was particularly lame (more than usual that is) was that one of the people on register failed to come in so we were short a busser leaving, yours truely, the only one on the floor. And to top that we were unusually busy tonight so i had to work my a** off even more. SUPER. but all n all it wasnt so terrible by the end it was slow and i got to leave early (which also means less money) but these days i could really care less.. well got some subway...what an average average friday night. boooring.

Nothing of importance

2007-07-06T18:31:49Z

"I was born to tell you I love you" Im listening to secondhand serenade...its quite lovely. Anywho, got up late today, happy to say i wasnt stung in my sleep... but i did eat some cereal and then orange juice which i remembered (after my stomach begun to hurt and i felt as if i were going to throw up) that your not supposedtocombine the two because it makes the milk curdle and causes you to throw up or sth soo uh SWEET hopefully that wont happen especially since i have work in a few hours..egh..work. Gotta go in at 6 today. Its wierd sometimes i completely detest work but then other times i dont mind that match. Like i get this feeling like hey its okay, it doesnt really matter and its not that bad anyway. I wish i could feel that way 100 percent of the time..if only. Well after that im probably not going to do anything...if i do i will be sure to post. So uhh i was listening to some hannah montana songs, yes very sad that a 17 year old likes that sorta stuff but hey i dont know what to say it reminds me of my younger days...i guess? lol But man these secondhand serenade songs are catchy... I guess ill go listen to them before 90210 comes on (for some reason ive begun to watch this terrible 90's show) I have a weakness for the corny shows, i have no clue why...oh well.

Later

holachick @ 2007-07-05T23:16:00

2007-07-06T03:33:34Z

Sure ive already posted today, but i just recently (as in effect as of 2 seconds ago) i decided to try and keep this journal up to date daily and include all embarrassing moments, boring moments, unimportant moments, and prettty much anything useful [ or useless] so that maybe if I ever want to or need to look back on this summer of '07 it will be possible. well anyway i guess i can just copy paste what i wrote to bret on im to some up this WONDERFUL day...here goes:

E : well not really i kinda got into a fight with my parents
E: and then i got stung by some kind of bug that was in my shirt, which now kind of makes me want to avoid going into my room entirely
E: bc its still in there im sure..probably waiting on my bed for me to go to sleep and then to sting me continuosly throughout the night
E: my mom was being a bit about how no one ever cleans up and i need to help out in the kitchen and how were all lazy
E: and i told her ive cleaned the kitchen for 5 years for my chore and now i do the living room
E: and then my dad came in and we talked more
E: and i just kinda yelled at them and told them its such a double standard and and the only reason they are complaining now is bc there lazy a's have actually started cleaning it and dont want to.. and im all "HELLO i did this shi for like 10 years and the only reason ur caring now is bc u have to participate in cleaning up shi
E: and there all look at all ur dishes and pointing them out..and so then i started to point out there shi
E and then my mom starts puting words into my mouth saying shi like "oh so now you think u dont have to do anything and that this is OUR chore"
E: and i basically wanted to yell YES IT IS UR CHORE BIT but instead i yelled THATS NOT WHAT I SAID
E: basically they always win bc wehter i want to or not i have to listen to them
E: then later my dad came upstairs and was like
E: bla bla ur 17 were ur parents u say things disrespectfully
E: and im like yea u guys do it too this is ushc a double standard
E: and my dads like yea i dont mean just u (except that he TOTALLY DOES ) but that he means ALL of us
E: i cant wait to get out of this h hole
E: and just yesterday my moms all
E: "emily itd be so much cheaper to live here with us while ur at VCU"
E: DOES SHE THINK I COULD STAND ANTOHER 4 YEARS WITH HER

ahhhh,

and aside from that i guess today was relatively normal. the only thing (and this does not just include today) is that ive been having dreams a lot lately. This, of and in itself it just very odd. I usually dont dream very often, well at all really, and when i do i hardly ever remember very clearly what it was about. But lately, like over the past week ive been having dreams. And remembering them PRECISELY and everything and the feeling I had in them. I can dig deep enough and feel it again. I dont know its wierd, but kind of nice. Especially when its a good dream and ud like to imagine that it wasnt really a dream, but was actually REAL...wouldnt that be nice. ahh.... I dont know. Ive also been reading CHARMED THIRDS which actually doesnt do the first and second (Sloppy firsts/ Second Helpyings) any justice. As of now im only in the middle so by the end maybe Jessica and Marcus will get back together, but that break up alone has kind of ruined the story for me. Not to mention her thinking of sleeping with some married guy...i dont know, its just really lacking with what the other books had. Instead of having a scene about it it just says this and this happened...and maybe that happened in the other books idk, i guess it may have, i DID read them a while ago..eh..who knows.

Ive also been writing a bit more. Well not THAT much more, i had a bit of inspriation to write last night and about 2 pages worth kind of flowed out, so its better than nothing, especially since its been weeks since ive actually had the NEED or ideas to write. It made me feel good though, like i was finally accomplishing something. I wonder what it must feel like for an author to have actually FINISHED a book, i cant even imagine. I have atleast 5 going at a time because it just cant keep my attention for long, i get distracted or bored, or both and have to start something new. But ive started to go back to some old ones (like last night) instead of the current one, which, could be good or bad depending how you look at it. And maybe writing in this will also help spark some inspiration deep within me...if only. Who knows, maybe writing isnt what I should be doing, but for now it makes me feel good, maybe because its the only thing ive truly been certain about in years. Well, I hope thats enough.

Night.

Thoughts.

2007-07-05T21:35:58Z

So I guess things are finally starting to fall into place. I visted James Madison and VCU last week. There was so much hype from my friends and just from the excitement. I really thought it was going to be THE school, but it ended up being yet another disappointment. Then we visited VCU and I have to say its pretty ironic that the ONE school i pretty much refused I would ever attend is the place that felt the most comfortable. It just seemed homey and the buildings werent all grungy like so many other places. So i guess thats the college, kind of wierd to think ill be applying in the fall. Freaky, really. I never expected for life to catch up so quickly, its like everything now slowly beginning to change, not just with school or graduation nearing just with everything. Responsibilty and everything. I know im ready for the most part because I know im prepared and everything but its still entirely unpredictable and not having a clue at what i want to do in life doesnt help much. I mean SURE i like writing, love it actually, but how realistic is that? Even major authors have normal jobs. I just dont know what to do, and I guess, above all thats whats the most uneasy thing about all this. Leaving high school is going to be so great, having that accomplishment, but then reality just sets in. Debt from loans and everything else thats just so uncertain at this point in my life. I wish things could just be set in stone. I wish I had a college fund, I wish I knew what I wanted do in life, I wish everything was just so much simpler in easier...silly I know...thats just how life is. If things werent so crazy and mixed up right now it wouldnt be life. I wouldnt really be living at all.

To Foodlion or not to Foodlion, that is the question

2007-06-20T18:10:41Z

So i applied for this Food Lion job about two weeks ago, simply because I didnt want to continue working weekends like i have been for the past 2 years and my current restaurant job. Then i realize they want me to work weekends + and so i dont want the job anymore. No big deal right? Just when they call to offer me the job I'll say nevermind, but then they never call, and they also offer the job to two other people i know had applied. Well, now it bums me out I get the job. I know im crazy, hello, i didnt want the job anyway. I guess its a classic case of wanting what u cant have, but I still feel insane for feeling bad about not getting it. I guess im finally losing it...

Em

Summer

2007-06-13T19:10:27Z

One more day left of exams and then summer will finally be here! I cant believe this time next year im going to be ready to graduate. I dont know what it is, but just the mere thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. I mean, ME, an adult? 18? It doesnt feel real and it definetly doesnt feel normal. It still seems like im some 10 year old. Sigh. I dont know, I just hope growing up is as cracked up as it sounds and not as frightening and terriyfing as it seems. I mean, $50,000+ for college? Who in their right mind can afford it...not me.

Later,
Em